Struggling is a constant in life, but letting it get to you is not a certainty. You have the strength within you to overcome the sense of drowning and learn to ride the waves of your life.
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”. – Swami Muktanada
How
many times have you felt battered by the steady waves of everyday life? You
may feel unable to navigate the tides of continual challenges that continue to
wash over you. Often, we find ourselves struggling in that metaphorical sea–
strong emotions, urges, unexpected events, illnesses, and difficult
relationships – ebbing and flowing like the ocean’s waves. And just like
a surfer paddling out to sea, we try to navigate these waves skillfully and
with purpose, yet at times the best we can do is simply try to keep our heads
above water.
In our minds, we expect to be expert navigators
right from the beginning. What many of us fail to realize is that it
takes years of practice to build the skills needed to manage our emotions and
the external events that life will inevitably throw at us. As a
mindfulness-based psychotherapist trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) I wholeheartedly embrace the
quote above, even if it sometimes seems impossible to achieve.
Just as a surf instructor would not send a
beginner out into a 10-foot swell, I would also not expect a novice mindfulness
student to stay centered in the midst of an emotional storm of intense urges.
Even the most expert teachers lose their balance and get torn up by the coral
reef of real. There is real risk involved in surfing the waves of emotion,
including the significant risk of feeling pain and discomfort. No one pops up on a monster wave, staying upright and focused,
without significant training. And
sadly, this is where the metaphor ends. We can opt out of the ocean if surfing
doesn’t appeal to us, but we cannot opt out of our emotions without serious
consequences.
Do you want to learn how to surf the emotional
waves of life? If yes, start small and experiment with the following WAVE:
Welcome: Welcome
feelings, urges, and reactions; allow yourself to open to these sensations,
thoughts, and urges without acting.
Attend: By giving full
attention to this experience moment to moment, you are not reliving the past or
fortune telling the future. Stay present with the full experience by naming and
describing what is happening inside the body and mind.
Validate: Identify the
truth in your experience (not the absolute truth!) by understanding the
thoughts, beliefs, and physiological prompts that resulted in the emotion
arising. “No wonder I feel urges in response to seeing a person (or place or
thing) that triggers intense emotional memories.”
Exhale: Let go of the
energy created by the emotion, or any resistance of feeling the emotion. Allow
the body to soften and settle with exactly what is happening in the present
moment. Apply soothing touch or kindness toward yourself as a way to restore
the body after strong emotional waves. Turn to distress tolerance coping skills
for more ideas on how to self sooth in healthy ways.
To become a skillful surfer of emotions, repeat
the WAVE over
and over. With practice, you will grow stronger and more skillful, enjoying
some of the grace and freedom that comes from surfing the big waves.
WARNING: START SMALL. If
you find that you are struggling, seek out an instructor (therapist,
mindfulness teacher, sponsor, or loved one) to help you conquer the monster
waves. Expect to wipe out, but also be sure to pop back up.
Struggling is a constant in life, but letting it get to you is not a certainty. You have the strength within you to overcome the sense of drowning and learn to ride the waves of your life.
“You
can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf”. – Swami Muktanada
How many times have you
felt battered by the steady waves of everyday life? You may feel unable to
navigate the tides of continual challenges that continue to wash over you.
Often, we find ourselves struggling in that metaphorical sea– strong emotions, urges,
unexpected events, illnesses, and difficult relationships – ebbing and flowing like
the ocean’s waves. And just like a surfer paddling out to sea, we try to
navigate these waves skillfully and with purpose, yet at times the best we can
do is simply try to keep our heads above water.
In our minds, we expect to be expert navigators
right from the beginning. What many of us fail to realize is that it
takes years of practice to build the skills needed to manage our emotions and
the external events that life will inevitably throw at us. As a
mindfulness-based psychotherapist trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) I wholeheartedly embrace the
quote above, even if it sometimes seems impossible to achieve.
Just as a surf instructor would not send a
beginner out into a 10-foot swell, I would also not expect a novice mindfulness
student to stay centered in the midst of an emotional storm of intense urges.
Even the most expert teachers lose their balance and get torn up by the coral
reef of real. There is real risk involved in surfing the waves of emotion,
including the significant risk of feeling pain and discomfort. No one pops up on a monster wave, staying upright and focused,
without significant training. And
sadly, this is where the metaphor ends. We can opt out of the ocean if surfing
doesn’t appeal to us, but we cannot opt out of our emotions without serious
consequences.
Do you want to learn how to surf the emotional
waves of life? If yes, start small and experiment with the following WAVE:
Welcome: Welcome
feelings, urges, and reactions; allow yourself to open to these sensations,
thoughts, and urges without acting.
Attend: By giving full
attention to this experience moment to moment, you are not reliving the past or
fortune telling the future. Stay present with the full experience by naming and
describing what is happening inside the body and mind.
Validate: Identify the
truth in your experience (not the absolute truth!) by understanding the
thoughts, beliefs, and physiological prompts that resulted in the emotion
arising. “No wonder I feel urges in response to seeing a person (or place or
thing) that triggers intense emotional memories.”
Exhale: Let go of the
energy created by the emotion, or any resistance of feeling the emotion. Allow
the body to soften and settle with exactly what is happening in the present
moment. Apply soothing touch or kindness toward yourself as a way to restore
the body after strong emotional waves. Turn to distress tolerance coping skills
for more ideas on how to self sooth in healthy ways.
To become a skillful surfer of emotions, repeat
the WAVE over
and over. With practice, you will grow stronger and more skillful, enjoying
some of the grace and freedom that comes from surfing the big waves.
WARNING: START SMALL. If
you find that you are struggling, seek out an instructor (therapist, mindfulness
teacher, sponsor, or loved one) to help you conquer the monster waves.
Expect to wipe out, but also be sure to pop back up.
